The Shadowlands

I went to my Grandpa's tonight. His mental capacity is declining at a rapid pace. Sometimes, showing him pictures jars his memory and his face lights up. You can literally watch the sparks of recognition firing off inside his brain and for a moment- it seems like a light sputters on in the back recesses of his mind. Tonight, he smiled while looking meaningfully at a picture....but like his memory, the smile faded pretty quickly.

This all feels painfully familiar. We buried my Grandma in 2004 after a 10 year sentence of withering away from the debilitating thievery of alzheimers. The disease that steals your loved ones from the inside out and leaves just the shells of them....sometimes, compeletely functioning and seemingly in perfect health.

Grandpa was still holding the picture I was showing him and tapping my phone screen saying, "This here's that family. That family in Missouri. They were good people. We used to run around with these boys."

I pointed to one of the men in the picture and said, "Do you know who that is Grandpa? Do you recognize him?"

He seems to have to really stare hard and concentrate to be able to make a connection with the locked up memories. He said, " I used to know him real good, you know. I don't think he's around here much. I haven't seen him. Not in awhile."

I saw a shadow of sadness pass in front of his eyes, but like his memory, my phone screen went black; the picture and moment were gone. Grandpa handed the picture of his brother and of himself back to me.

And I realized just how right he was...we haven't seen him around these parts for awhile now. Hot tears streamed poured down my face. Grace gave me tissues. I kept apologizing for bawling my eyes out on her couch. Grandpa just blankly stared at me. I try to imagine what he's thinking of me- Virtually a stranger to him. I've come to their house with pictures of people he used to know and now I'm sitting and bawling for no apparent reason. He seems unconcerned and uninterested. His hand is on the remote. He's ready to turn the Weather Channel volume up the moment he deems it's socially acceptable to do so. Grandma Grace pats me on the back and rubs my shoulder. She tells me that I need take this season of Grandpa's life in and ingest it in smaller doses. She said I should grieve it as I go. She wasn't around when Grandma Juanita died, but she said that Grandpa told her that I had a very hard time letting Grandma go. She suggested that I share the season, join the journey.. She said it would make it easier for me to face the inevitable...that one we all face at some point...and if you love someone, the one that we all are a part of. Grandma's sure can be wise....because I've been doing the exact opposite. My heart has hurt because I've avoided my grandpa....and I miss him, but I couldn't hardly face him....because he's dying before my eyes. He keeps asking her, Whose that woman? Whose your company, Grace? And Grandma said, "Honey, just come here so much that you become his company too. He'll quit asking. We just got to get you back in his memory, you're in there- he's just got to find you rattling around in there somewhere." And that's what I intend to do. I'm going to go and rattle around at Grandpa's house and make enough commotion and nuisance of myself until I bump into myself somewhere in his memories and say...."Hey! I used to know you real good!! I used to run around with you!! I haven't seen you in these part for awhile...but, I'm back....and I'm here to stay."