Saturday, January 3, 2015


I like traveling and seeing the changing scenery whirl past me. I crave the changing of seasons- the mellow mushing of hot to cold, reds to browns....I love to rearrange furniture and see things from new perspectives.... In most cases- {most} I instigate CHANGE.  Always eyeing where one thing can be put somewhere else- or how things can be repurposed, or painted or new buttons to an old jacket. I can imagine it and usually make it.

But for the life of know the very, very deep down marrow of my soul.....I do not like REAL changes...not life altering, reality veering, forever and ever, til death do I part kind of changes.

And with's inevitable. Even when you hover and ducttape and super-padded, bubble wrap them...those little stinkers wiggle out into the real world and changes begin to happen. Like girlfriends,  rings, engagement parties and meeting of other families. And just when you warm to the idea and can think about the changes of life seasons without  hyperventilating....and without the thudding loss of a child into manhood......just when you can keep it together without bursting into "hovering momma" panic attack tears.......

Your daughter goes and does the exact same thing.

And you can't help it. Tears fall. Stream....actually, like an open hydrant on a street corner in summer.

And your world implodes. Or, at least your heart does. Not in a bad way...not in a way that says NO NO! NO he's not right- you're not for each other- I'm locking you up and throwing away the key.... it's not like that.
No, it's more of an internal, slow-mo implotion.
A bombardment of happy tears, sad tears, fearful tears, Oh my gosh- I don't have enough money tears! And in the policy of complete transparency to anyone who may read this:  you look at your little girl, and you can't help but be afraid....a little...okay, actually a lot of fear because of your own experiences....with all the what ifs- and "you knows" of life and reality of the tweaking of dynamics that take place because of marriage.

So, Sam (Rebekah's now fiancĂ©) came and spoke to me at work. I cried the whole time- for all of the reasons above and then some. You see, we had just had Gabe's engagement party the night before. Not more than 12 hours before I was standing with Cate's parents and Gabe's dad and prayers were being offered over the young couple....and I held it together, because I had time to process.

What Sam didn't understand is that I am a very slow processor...and the question of an additional proposal so close to the engagement party was just really, really overwhelming. I need breathing space. Like at least six months (???).

So the Double-Whammie-Blammie hit me with a BA-BOOM- right square in the heart- and I didn't react with the pose and tenderness that I know that I feel regarding the proposal. I think they are for each other, and I always knew that we'd all be standing together in front of a church and her saying "I Do's"....but I guess in a mommy heart time kind of stands still. Your eyes see the maturing, aging and moving on of children on the outside but somewhere that reality never settles in your heart- they are a baby....a little tiny girl who just had her tea party birthday party....

There you have it folks. May as well face reality and take it in small doses than to ignore it and have it all slam you at once. Take it from me, the queen of denial.