A Silent Phone

Sunday was Mother's Day and my son didn't call. The girls organized a lunch at our new home- making my all-time favorite dinner: Enchiladas, guacamole, and bean dip. I kept my phone in the kitchen, in case he called. Rebekah and Sam, Jake and Sarah and myself set the table, served the food and enjoyed each other's company over a great lunch.
We rented a DVD and watched The Penguins of Madagascar. I had my phone in my lap- in case he called.
We cleaned the kitchen. Opened a beautiful gift from my girls that Rebekah so thoughtfully picked out and wrapped. Later in the evening Jakey and I walked the Skip around the new neighborhood....and I carried my phone: in case he called.

I set up my bookcases upstairs. Hauled a million boxes that weighed a million pounds up the flight of stairs....thinking out loud how wonderful it would be if he were there to carry the boxes.

I wanted to vacuum my room but was afraid I wouldn't hear the phone ring over the noise.  So, I organized my closet. And my bathroom. And changed sheets. I checked my phone umpteen times to see if it was accidently on a silent setting? Or set to vibrate? But it wasn't. Not any of the umpteen times I checked.

Eventually, it dawns on me the one day set aside for all sons to call their mothers....and your son has something more important that requires all of his focus. But I understand, because he's being trained to protect and serve. He has a higher purpose. He must be doing Army hero stuff- in classes about saving lives and overthrowing terrorist states. He's learning to put other's needs ahead of his own.  If he can put other's needs in front of his own, then I can too. I can wait until who knows when... for that call to come. I will be waiting....checking to make sure my phone isn't on silent, making sure I have a fully charged battery.

WHAMMIE-BLAMMIE-BOOM!

I like traveling and seeing the changing scenery whirl past me. I crave the changing of seasons- the mellow mushing of hot to cold, reds to browns....I love to rearrange furniture and see things from new perspectives.... In most cases- {most} I instigate CHANGE.  Always eyeing where one thing can be put somewhere else- or how things can be repurposed, or painted or new knobs...new buttons to an old jacket. I can imagine it and usually make it.

But for the life of me....you know the very, very deep down marrow of my soul.....I do not like REAL changes...not life altering, reality veering, forever and ever, til death do I part kind of changes.

And with kids....it's inevitable. Even when you hover and ducttape and super-padded, bubble wrap them...those little stinkers wiggle out into the real world and changes begin to happen. Like girlfriends,  rings, engagement parties and meeting of other families. And just when you warm to the idea and can think about the changes of life seasons without  hyperventilating....and without the thudding loss of a child into manhood......just when you can keep it together without bursting into "hovering momma" panic attack tears.......

Your daughter goes and does the exact same thing.

And you can't help it. Tears fall. Stream....actually, like an open hydrant on a street corner in summer.

And your world implodes. Or, at least your heart does. Not in a bad way...not in a way that says NO NO! NO he's not right- you're not for each other- I'm locking you up and throwing away the key.... it's not like that.
No, it's more of an internal, slow-mo implotion.
A bombardment of happy tears, sad tears, fearful tears, Oh my gosh- I don't have enough money tears! And in the policy of complete transparency to anyone who may read this:  you look at your little girl, and you can't help but be afraid....a little...okay, actually a lot of fear because of your own experiences....with all the what ifs- and "you knows" of life and reality of the tweaking of dynamics that take place because of marriage.

So, Sam (Rebekah's now fiancé) came and spoke to me at work. I cried the whole time- for all of the reasons above and then some. You see, we had just had Gabe's engagement party the night before. Not more than 12 hours before I was standing with Cate's parents and Gabe's dad and prayers were being offered over the young couple....and I held it together, because I had time to process.

What Sam didn't understand is that I am a very slow processor...and the question of an additional proposal so close to the engagement party was just really, really overwhelming. I need breathing space. Like at least six months (???).

So the Double-Whammie-Blammie hit me with a BA-BOOM- right square in the heart- and I didn't react with the pose and tenderness that I know that I feel regarding the proposal. I think they are for each other, and I always knew that we'd all be standing together in front of a church and her saying "I Do's"....but I guess in a mommy heart time kind of stands still. Your eyes see the maturing, aging and moving on of children on the outside but somewhere that reality never settles in your heart- they are a baby....a little tiny girl who just had her tea party birthday party....

There you have it folks. May as well face reality and take it in small doses than to ignore it and have it all slam you at once. Take it from me, the queen of denial.

I

Give Away

There's a giveaway over at INDIGO EARTH & WILDHEART:  http://indigoearth-indigoearth.blogspot.com/2014/12/home-for-holidays-give-away-from.html?showComment=1419993050632#c4589718364975178876


Good luck! :)

Overwhelming Gratitude

I hate to be melodramatic....ah, who am I kidding? I'm a melodramatic sensationalist at heart! At any rate....you all know that I'm far from one who goes around publicizing struggles, negativity or drama. I have a great poker face, and sometimes too good of one, because I even fool myself. Take the past year for instance: my job situation was bad. I had a burning lump of anxiety in my stomach all year....I lived each day to get to the next weekend- and I crashed. I was exhausted and spent the weekend "living" and "doing"  and then, around 4 PM on Sunday afternoon the reality of having to go back to the office on Monday morning started the burning sensation in my stomach all over again. I couldn't sleep at night and in the mornings I couldn't wake up.
Towards the end of my time there.....being M I S E R A B L E would have been a luxury. I was beyond miserable. SOMETHING had to give.

I began seriously praying in July- thinking- I can't do this another WEEK. I can't continue. The dynamics of the situation was compounding and my will to take the high road was dwindling.

In August I had a job interview. And then another. They called me back a total of  F I V E times. It was a 30+ minute drive from home, away from the kids school. I would make the same, drive farther and have insurance. And I was desperate.  My letter of resignation sat typed, folded and ready to hand in.
They were calling me on Thursday to make an offer. And I was going to accept it.
No matter W H A T. it was.

I waited.  A L L  D A Y. 

 
I'm not the type of person who sits idly by, patiently waiting.  I don't wait well- not on my kids, not in the drive-thru, not at red lights, not in movie lines, carpool lines, at the doctor office, or the checkout line. And come to find out, not even on God.

And I whine. A lot. I'm an impatient, whiney waiter.

I had done everything I could do- I was at my wits end- at the point that any job offer would have been accepted....but God doesn't do just anything. He does EVERYTHING. He meets all of our needs.

But the next day, the call still hadn't came.

But a call was made. Not the call I had set into motion.....but the call that God  had ordained. The call that instantly raised my heart rate....and stopped that woefully insistent burning in my stomach. The call that I didn't foresee....or even dream of.  The phone call said everything that I needed and wanted. And I knew.  When God ordains- there is no strain to make gears turn, pieces lock in place. It just happens...  and so it did.
(Disclaimer: I'm omitting a huge chunk of soap opera worthy drama here---- The Reader's Digest Condensed Version Cliff Notes are: Words were said. Feelings were hurt. Mean people do and say desperate things in self-preservation. Always take the high road...there's less smog of life in higher elevations! )

 I can't begin to describe the overwhelming gratitude I have for my new employer, the new setting in which I work. The people. The location. The dynamics. The view (I have a window!). The options. The consideration. The welcoming.
My heart gushes with gratitude at people willing to take a risk, willing to try new ideas, willing to be a shelter, willing to be a family.
The New Year is looking clear, stable and full of promise......and I happen to know the One who keeps all of his promises. <3 br="">Shine All Your Light,

Cass

Galavanting The North Carolina Country Side

Barn Quilt in Randolph County, North Carolina. One weekend we took a driving tour of the Barn Quilts in Randolph County.

Junius Lindsey Vineyards take the Hoity-Toity out of wine tours. They offer open grassy fields for kids to play and romp with the resident dogs, fences to climb and a general airy, "come as you may" atmosphere.  Rocking Chairs, round tables and an open pavilion welcome you at the end of a beautiful, windy road into the property.

Roadside black Eyed Susans held their aging heads up

Less than an hour from home is the famous Childress Vineyards. If it weren't for the humidity, you'd feel as if you were touring a Napa Valley establishment.....

Look, but don't touch.

The Carolina Blue skies over Childress Vineyards

Finding the Light....

For years, I've had struggled with finding a balance between creating a memory and capturing a memory with my children. There are some photos that I look back on and see the annoyance in my children's eyes....the "Are you done yet? We just want to play!" look. All the while I'm adjusting WB's, ISO's and determining which position would best capture the catch light in their eyes.
So many memories were contaminated with different variations of "Wait. DO that again! Stand here, face that, hold your chin up, square up to the lens" commands coming from behind the camera. Or embarrassingly enough, staged moments usually consisting of making kids REDO what they had just done..... trying to capture the sunlight through the trees, the sweet pigtails flying behind their darting bodies....all the movement, light and poignancy of a nice portrait......long after the "real moment" is lost.

These numerous occasions were results of  artistically pleasing my photographic eye at the expense of  disappointedly losing the moment; the true light of excitement is missing from their eyes replaced with repulsion for the annoying, repositioning, ever fidgeting half mother/half photographer turning knobs, and muttering about appertures and leading lines. And none of the photos are really worth a hoot. Because, I am a little repulsed at the memories. The memories I chose to make----rather than capture.

And now. I don't even charge my camera.  I haven't used it in months- evidenced by the fact that I "found" my camera in the trunk of the van last weekend. It still had pictures on it from a March ice storm.  As much as I hate to admit it- I'm a person of extreme degrees. ALL IN or ALL OUT. 

My camera phone has been my go-to-camera for the last two years....and although sometimes there's grainy "noise" in the back ground or fuzzy edges from a kid in motion...with no catch light to be found---the pictures are of a moment. A memory. A captured piece of my heart that I can recall time and time again full of excitement, wtih depth. Developed by a light of the photographer's heart capturing and documenting every moment in full frame, full color and full tilt in life.

Big Tears and Mini-Coffins

I have a friend. His granddaughter was born premature with a lot of medical problems. She wasn't expected to live through the day she was born. She did live. She fought for 15 months. She had numerous surgeries. She never saw her mommy's face- because she was blind; Never heard her daddy's voice tell her stories, because she was deaf. Never ate dirt or learned to walk...never blew kisses, or learned to clap and play patty-cake.
IV's and medical cords seemed to be the only thing that tied the little one to this world.
Thursday night, the nurses freed her of the IV's and freed her spirit into eternity.
I feel at a loss. Today is the service, which was postponed because they couldn't bear to say Goodbye to her on Father's Day. This is one of those days where you truly, truly lean on the everlasting arms.....and pray for the peace that passes all understanding. I ask that God bathes the family in Grace and Love.