Finding the Light....

For years, I've had struggled with finding a balance between creating a memory and capturing a memory with my children. There are some photos that I look back on and see the annoyance in my children's eyes....the "Are you done yet? We just want to play!" look. All the while I'm adjusting WB's, ISO's and determining which position would best capture the catch light in their eyes.
So many memories were contaminated with different variations of "Wait. DO that again! Stand here, face that, hold your chin up, square up to the lens" commands coming from behind the camera. Or embarrassingly enough, staged moments usually consisting of making kids REDO what they had just done..... trying to capture the sunlight through the trees, the sweet pigtails flying behind their darting bodies....all the movement, light and poignancy of a nice portrait......long after the "real moment" is lost.

These numerous occasions were results of  artistically pleasing my photographic eye at the expense of  disappointedly losing the moment; the true light of excitement is missing from their eyes replaced with repulsion for the annoying, repositioning, ever fidgeting half mother/half photographer turning knobs, and muttering about appertures and leading lines. And none of the photos are really worth a hoot. Because, I am a little repulsed at the memories. The memories I chose to make----rather than capture.

And now. I don't even charge my camera.  I haven't used it in months- evidenced by the fact that I "found" my camera in the trunk of the van last weekend. It still had pictures on it from a March ice storm.  As much as I hate to admit it- I'm a person of extreme degrees. ALL IN or ALL OUT. 

My camera phone has been my go-to-camera for the last two years....and although sometimes there's grainy "noise" in the back ground or fuzzy edges from a kid in motion...with no catch light to be found---the pictures are of a moment. A memory. A captured piece of my heart that I can recall time and time again full of excitement, wtih depth. Developed by a light of the photographer's heart capturing and documenting every moment in full frame, full color and full tilt in life.

Big Tears and Mini-Coffins

I have a friend. His granddaughter was born premature with a lot of medical problems. She wasn't expected to live through the day she was born. She did live. She fought for 15 months. She had numerous surgeries. She never saw her mommy's face- because she was blind; Never heard her daddy's voice tell her stories, because she was deaf. Never ate dirt or learned to walk...never blew kisses, or learned to clap and play patty-cake.
IV's and medical cords seemed to be the only thing that tied the little one to this world.
Thursday night, the nurses freed her of the IV's and freed her spirit into eternity.
I feel at a loss. Today is the service, which was postponed because they couldn't bear to say Goodbye to her on Father's Day. This is one of those days where you truly, truly lean on the everlasting arms.....and pray for the peace that passes all understanding. I ask that God bathes the family in Grace and Love.

Sunrise, Sunset

Note: I began this post in June of 2013....been sorta busy experiencing life! :)

This weekend has been all about my little man, Jakey. He's my finale'....you know, the last chance to rock a little one to sleep, buy sippy cups, register for Kindergarten....run behind a wobbly bike without training wheels....all those things that make up the journey of "Mommyhood"....and Jake's childhood is my last golden ticket that allows me to board that exclusive, fast-track train.

  
Mommy's heartbeat and love.

At times, I find myself in an emotional tug-of-war; loving and dreading, in syncopated turn, each cherished moment. I hear the clock ticking; each milestone for Jake is a measured step for me.

With Gabe (my nearly 21 year old son), I grimaced at the sight of frogs and night crawlers. With Jake, I feel the need to sit in the dirt and experience every last little dirty wonder with him. Gabe was nearly force-fed oatmeal for breakfast. Jakey gets Oatmeal cookies.

Jake has awakened something in me that's hard to explain. It took four children to get me to the place where I wasn't on the sidelines cheering- but part of the action.  Maybe, it's the fact that I'm not wrangling four children anymore, carrying diaper bags etc.... Maybe its the reality of the fleetingness of time? Or the cold realization that his "high noon of firsts" are my "setting sun" on mothering a little squirt? There's something very scary about that to me.....and I find myself trying to eke every moment, experience and memory out of every occasion.  Last weekend he lost a tooth. And we discovered he's already into a size 2 shoe. It all happens over night. So fast.  One night their cuddled up with you in your bed watching Toy Story, wearing Buzz Lightyear Pajamas.....and the next night they're grown and living in their own quarters at Ft. Riley.....

Squeeze Them. Hold Them. Love Them. Cherish every cotton-pickin' moment with them.... that's what I've been up to.

2nd Annual Shamrock On!

This year, I spent St. Paddy's Day in Asheville, North Carolina. The weather was sublimely perfect. Asheville knows how to host a St. Patrick's Day!  

This is the first trip to Asheville that I've made that wasn't planned around The Biltmore. As much as I've always enjoyed visiting The Biltmore, I have learned that Asheville has so much more to offer. In fact, I was surprised at how "at home" I felt....it really reminded me of living in Laguna Beach, California.

So, here's my 2nd annual SHAMROCK ON post of all things green.......

A soap store called THE LAUGHING MERMAID had all sorts of handmade, green soaps. 

A store front 

ROCKIN' THE SHAMS!!

It's all GOOD in Asheville.

The town the doesn't sleep.....

A celtic musician at Jack In The Wood Public House....where they take Irish food quite seriously.

My imagination can go wild with WHY or HOW this little alley got this name.

Nothing green here....but I liked the picture.

Mistah Boyscout

This store caught my eye from three blocks away. It even had a basement....and we explored every nook and cranny.

The "Before 9 PM" cracks me up.

Merrily Mediocre

During this time of the year its easy to get into the "hustle & bustle" of merry making and lose ourselves (and each other) in the festivities.

I have learned this lesson the hard way...and looking back, its hard for me to decide if the experience is more sad than funny or more embarrassing than educational?

If you've read my blog for any length of time, you'll recall me stating that I have a hard time with moderation and balance. I can go from Ho-Hum to Gung-Ho overnight. I obsess....or am completely indifferent. Nothing or All. You get the point.
A few years ago, I was sick (fulfilling my annual quota of strep throat). I had all the tree stuff down from the attic and spread from here to kingdom-come. The naked, faux pine tree stood shamefully in the corner baring all its plastic quirks and flaws.

And my daughters had an idea!

Surprise mom with a decorated, lit tree.

A good, healthy mom would of been all "Awww! How sweet! How thoughtful! How blessed am I!?!"

A sick, feverish mom was all, "WELL! Thanks for considering me! I'm sick and in bed and you all decide to decorate without a single picture being taken?? The lights are NOT symmetrical! I NEVER put those ugly bulbs on the tree....WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!? I want you to undecorate the entire tree."

Yes, shamefully, I confess. This is a true story.

(and to add to my shame, according to spell check- 'undecorate' is not even a word, because no mother ever has told her child to undecorate a tree)

I killed the Christmas Spirit. Slaughtered it right there. The kids were so upset. I was so sick. The tree was so "freakishly festive"....and the lights were blotches of uneven sparkles strung haphazardly between branches of plastic boughs that had not been uncrunched from their summer siesta, and had not had their annual perking.

It wasn't my proudest moment.

The next week, I decorated the tree myself. The annual Amy Grant Christmas album was brushed off and played. The candles were lit. The cocoa was hot. The kids were at their dads, and  I was alone. The tree was glorious. The most beautiful one to date! And I cried. I cried for the kids. I cried angry tears at myself. Cried over the stupid plastic tree and the stupid lights that blinked at me in symmetrical perfection.

The shame has hung in the air each year. The kids shy away from decorating the tree, and last year said, "It's okay mom, you decorate and just show us where you want us to put our special ornament."

Sheesh.

So, true to Spazzymommy M.O. I have done an about-face. A complete 180.

Our Leaning Tree :)

We went to the mountains to get a real live tree this year...and I've left the overseeing of the decorating to the girls. There are coffee-filter snowflakes hanging all over the house....mismatched Christmas ribbons adorning the tree and white lights strung in the oddest places. My house is a big, honkin' Christmas Collage of Chaos. The tree is tilted at a 40 degree angle, because we can't get it to stand properly in the tree base. But the kids are proud....and I feel that I need a little pat on the back too, because I'm genuinely enjoying the merry-making. It's not magazine worthy- not even Pinterest worthy...but it's beyond MEMORY worthy!

My heart aches each time I recall the "Undecorated Year"....and there's a funny tingle of guilt each time I see pictures of the gloriously perfect tree from a few Christmases ago....and although we have the crooked, leaning Christmas Tree with totally unsymmetrical lights- I must admit to date- this merrily mediocre Christmas is my favorite so far! :)

I refuse to stress. I refuse to create chaos with my inclination to be an exacto-freak. I refuse to be a slave to self-implemented demands for a "Courier & Ives" holiday.
SO, in light of all of the above- I am inspired to have a Merry Christmas Season in spite of myself! My heart is content in its medicoreness. :)

Have yourself a Merry (mediocre) Little Christmas.....

Shine all your lights, Cass

The Warrior Mommy

Last night after a long, long day of writing, promoting, marketing and countless phone conversations- the kind of conversations where you bounce from one line to the other.....for hours- before hanging up....

After all the dinner dishes are put away, kids are tucked into bed and night lights are softly shining on my little people's faces....that's when I take a deep breathe and remember why I do everything.

I remember the REAL importance of each job, every phone call, every brokered deal, each sale, every negotiation has ONE common denominator...my little people.

In the dim lighting I see little man's shoes spread across the floor. (The ones that cost eight hours of being "clocked in")  A new school uniform hanging in the closet. The tuition bills on the kitchen counter. The Cubscout handbook on the desk. Rebekah's violin in the corner. Sarah's new lesson books on the piano. In my minds eye I see schoolbag left in the van- full of textbooks that I still owe money on. There's fieldtrip permission slips to sign. A fundraiser book to thumb through and buy something. Anything.

In the quiet of the evening, I stand (Barely), exhausted but fulfilled. I am giving my children a life. I can't help but think of myself as a warrior. (allow me that little pleasure of seeing myself as Xena! LOL))
I battle life- taking down obstacles, people or barriers- anything that would stand in the kids way of a good life. I fight to keep things in order. I battle for their well being. Except- nothing is glamorous. Instead of yielding a sword- I hold a pen and sign checks. Instead of a leather corset- I don yoga pants. :)

Jakey's first Cubscout Community Service Project

But, my fort is safe. Lights are burning. Food is plentiful, beds are soft and snuggling with a sleepy seven year old in the warm glow of night lights give me just enough initiative to do it all again tomorrow.



Shine All Your Light in the Sun!

Cass

( T ) R A I N

So, if you know me, or have ever ridden in my van, you know that I'm a Train fan. Train- as in "Save Me San Francisco" & "Meet Virginia".  They make my heart go all "Chugga-chugga-choo-choo" <3
I heard they were coming to town, but alas, my single mom budget couldn't justify the ticket purchase.
But nothin' stops a Train. ;) I happened to win two free tickets from a radio station via Facebook.

I have a friend whose been a long time Train fan and has seen them once before- he wanted to go with me....so we hit the mainline for Raleigh. The show started at 7:30.

We got to our seats....and Mat Kearney (the opening act) started playing....and ZAP!!!! Lightening started coming down in bolts. The sky was dark. The wind was picking up. He played three songs and was cut off in the middle of his hit song (the title escapes me) by a huge bolt of lightening.

Did you happen to catch the part about lightening???

ZAP! SNAP! SIZZLE!!! BANG!!!

Under the tarp

They began evacuating the park 10 minutes into the set. They never even introduced Mat!! *LOL*

Some nice ladies sitting behind Troy and I offered us to climb under their tarp...and so we did. Seven adults under there. Seven strangers very close. The rain was pouring- almost felt like hail. The wind was picking up our makeshift tent in huge huffs and puffs....and the lightening kept coming. Our butts were soaked. Our feet (sticking out from under the tarp) were soaked.


Security came screaming at us in the rain and wind, "YOU MUST LEAVE AT ONCE!!! ALL OF YOU!"

Troy, being the man he is said,"NO!!! WE DON'T WANT TO LOSE OUR SEATS!!!"

Talk about a die hard fan.

Security came back, " LEAVE!! YOU MUST LEAVE!!" Their screams were carried off by the wind.

The arcs of light kept diving towards the earth in spectacular Zeus like bolts.

I was beginning to question my fanship....er, sanity. I'm not a fan of lightening storm...especially, when I'm a sitting duck in the middle of an evacuated amphitheater...with strangers.

Um....the seats aren't THAT important. Right?

Then the police came...holding their billy stick."LEAVE THE PREMISES!!!!"

I think my desire to be hit by a billystick at a Train concert is as high on my "wish list" as being struck by lightening!

So, we ran through the puddles, through the rain, instinctively ducking each time the lightening cracked through the atmosphere. It was NUTS!!!

The show was delayed until 9:45.

We hung out in the parking garage, mingling with fellow drenched Train fans. 

The Sunset was awesome! See the bands of rain??  I wanted to see the band TRAIN!

We mingled. A lot. Made friends. Made small talk. Pulled up the radar until our batteries went dead.

Eventually, we sold our tickets to the show.

Yes, we did. And decided to watch the show from the parking deck, IF the show were to happen.

The rain never stopped. But the show resumed.

My fave picture from the night!

See the rain??? 

The show was phenomenal. They hit the stage with all the energy you'd expect from Pat Monahan & TRAIN. The set list was par-none. New stuff, old stuff, cover songs....kids invited to the stage,  a woman was asked to come up and sing "Bruises", a marriage was performed on stage. The couples first dance was to an acoustic version of "Marry Me"....it was sweet.

Due to the rain- there were a number of concert goers up on the level 3 parking deck with us. Dancing. Cheering. Singing along to all the lyrics. One particularly enthusiastic professional air guitarist stands out in my memory. We had a blast!! During Save Me San Francisco....we sang loud enough that the traffic police were looking up at us through the rain.....we got a thumbs up...and sang louder. :)

Due to time restraints there was no encore- so Soul Sister, Drive By and a cover of We are Young were done at the end....I hated to leave. The "vibes" were awesome. The music wrapped around us, echoed off the cement walls of the parking deck and embraced us in a surreal way.

Maybe it was the rain, the rolling thunder, the threats of the police officer, the loud music...the drive home...or just the happiness of "just being"....but it was so hard to fall asleep last night.

And just as hard to wake up today. :)

I will forever remember my first Train concert....because it was also my first threat from a police officer with a billy stick. LOL. :)