Unwinding

A few weeks ago I felt really bad. Like I was about to come apart at the seams....like any moment I was going to implode and it was going to be messy.
I made an appointment and went straight to the doctor. She asked if I was TRYING to have a stroke.
My BP was 148/118.
We had the predictable "lets look at whats causing this.....I would like to put you on anxiety medication...do you need to speak to a counselor?"
I spoke to the doctor at length- assuring her (if not me) that none of the issues causing me anxiety and stress were "internal".....
I have a son deployed to Kuwait. I have a daughter graduating this year- SENIOR YEAR IS EXPENSIVE. Said child is applying to colleges. Same child need a vehicle. I have a grandchild on the way. I'm growing a business. I'm butcher, baker, candlestick maker. I had two kiddos get married last year. I moved. I started a new job. And the list goes on. and on. and on.

SO. Instead of agreeing to medications. I agreed to purposeful relaxation. I agreed to quiet time. I agreed to read.

I was given a prescription to read a book a month this year.
I was given a prescription to blog.
I was given a prescription to ride my bike.
I was given permission to sit.
I was given permission to listen. To birds and wind. And to nothing in particular.

I've started sleeping better.

Today was a great exercise in my new found art of purposeful relaxation.

I sat outside for two hours reading- because I'm trying to finish my SECOND book for the month!

Changes

Change seems to be the only consistent thing in life. 

Seasons of the heart seem to mirror the passing of time. Plants outgrow their pots. Doesn't mean there's something wrong with the pot or that the plant is bad- they were meant to be together for a time. A time to strengthen, to grow, to support each other in their own way.
Hearts are like that. We shelter each other for a season. Grow together. But, seasons change. 

Ascension

I love the word "Ascension".... Its definition is both spiritual and natural- meaning to move in an upward motion; it's very definition encompasses everything that we, as spiritual beings, should seek. I feel like the last few months have been an experience of ascension...coming up from a dark place within me. A slow, but steady uprising of many things that have been dormant within me:  inspiration, creativity, magic, sense of curiosity, sense of being. I have make an explorative ascension outside of  myself - with a clear forecast of unlimited discovery!

This may seem crazy- but some of this experience of  "untethering" has been joyful because, you see I'm a person that truly suffers from anxiety. I worry about the little things, the big things, the mundane things. I worry about worrying too much. I worry that maybe I don't worry enough. I don't have panic attacks (anymore) nor do I pace the floor fretting (anymore)....but its really, really hard to  exorcise fear that blatantly claims its rights in a Worry Warts knotted core.


You know, there's so much in this world that tethers our spirits to the mundane. The obvious binds are those which it takes to exist- the 9AM-5PM grind, the self-inflicted trail of tears that we daily march in order to have all the luxuries and what-not's that are hawked to us. It's soul crushing, really....or can be.  The less obvious ties that bind us are fear, anger, self-loathing, did I mention fear?


About two months ago I made the conscientious decision to cut the binds that inhibit me from creating and exploring the right side of my brain, the good parts of my heart and my love to create.

I may not be a poet, but I love to write rhymes and stanzas. Writing helps me figure things out, you know? It also helps to remind myself that things will be okay.


I may not be a world class photographer but I love capturing images, moments....memories- for the times when its hard to remember the happy days. I'm not an artist- but I have scenery in my soul that wants to be painted and lyrics in my heart that wait to be sung. Chords that need to be strummed  into a melody of my own making, that no one else may ever knows the lyrics to. It feels to me that suddenly, the ticking of the clock just rings and rings in my ears, each passing moment making an echo through the chambers of my heart---and art, creativity and the worship of the creator for all the wonderful creations that He has imparted to us helps me to embrace the moment. It helps me feel as though those more happening then the clock tick-tocking and time racing away.. The need to create has pierced my armor like a concentrated prism of light through a magnifying glass. I feel like there's light that needs to escape, light that needs to shine, light that has built up to a warm glow of inspiration for all things.
Sure, at some point the light will dull (its part of the process) ;Embers will snuff out with the winds of life that blow through...but while its burning, while there's a glow-- I'm writing, singing, painting, photographing, cooking, gluing, weaving, building, sewing and designing. It's like a sickness that once you succumb to it- makes you whole.

I feel a fire-- for the first time in a very, very long time.  I'm going to enjoy the journey  and (in spite of my fear of heights) I will embrace the ascension! For once, there's a glowing of inspiration deep in my belly-  instead of a burning knot of anxiety...and this in and of itself is a reason to glow!

Shine on, dear ones.


The photographs were taken at the Carolina Balloon Festival on October 17th 2015 in Statesville, NC.

A Silent Phone

Sunday was Mother's Day and my son didn't call. The girls organized a lunch at our new home- making my all-time favorite dinner: Enchiladas, guacamole, and bean dip. I kept my phone in the kitchen, in case he called. Rebekah and Sam, Jake and Sarah and myself set the table, served the food and enjoyed each other's company over a great lunch.
We rented a DVD and watched The Penguins of Madagascar. I had my phone in my lap- in case he called.
We cleaned the kitchen. Opened a beautiful gift from my girls that Rebekah so thoughtfully picked out and wrapped. Later in the evening Jakey and I walked the Skip around the new neighborhood....and I carried my phone: in case he called.

I set up my bookcases upstairs. Hauled a million boxes that weighed a million pounds up the flight of stairs....thinking out loud how wonderful it would be if he were there to carry the boxes.

I wanted to vacuum my room but was afraid I wouldn't hear the phone ring over the noise.  So, I organized my closet. And my bathroom. And changed sheets. I checked my phone umpteen times to see if it was accidently on a silent setting? Or set to vibrate? But it wasn't. Not any of the umpteen times I checked.

Eventually, it dawns on me the one day set aside for all sons to call their mothers....and your son has something more important that requires all of his focus. But I understand, because he's being trained to protect and serve. He has a higher purpose. He must be doing Army hero stuff- in classes about saving lives and overthrowing terrorist states. He's learning to put other's needs ahead of his own.  If he can put other's needs in front of his own, then I can too. I can wait until who knows when... for that call to come. I will be waiting....checking to make sure my phone isn't on silent, making sure I have a fully charged battery.

WHAMMIE-BLAMMIE-BOOM!

I like traveling and seeing the changing scenery whirl past me. I crave the changing of seasons- the mellow mushing of hot to cold, reds to browns....I love to rearrange furniture and see things from new perspectives.... In most cases- {most} I instigate CHANGE.  Always eyeing where one thing can be put somewhere else- or how things can be repurposed, or painted or new knobs...new buttons to an old jacket. I can imagine it and usually make it.

But for the life of me....you know the very, very deep down marrow of my soul.....I do not like REAL changes...not life altering, reality veering, forever and ever, til death do I part kind of changes.

And with kids....it's inevitable. Even when you hover and ducttape and super-padded, bubble wrap them...those little stinkers wiggle out into the real world and changes begin to happen. Like girlfriends,  rings, engagement parties and meeting of other families. And just when you warm to the idea and can think about the changes of life seasons without  hyperventilating....and without the thudding loss of a child into manhood......just when you can keep it together without bursting into "hovering momma" panic attack tears.......

Your daughter goes and does the exact same thing.

And you can't help it. Tears fall. Stream....actually, like an open hydrant on a street corner in summer.

And your world implodes. Or, at least your heart does. Not in a bad way...not in a way that says NO NO! NO he's not right- you're not for each other- I'm locking you up and throwing away the key.... it's not like that.
No, it's more of an internal, slow-mo implotion.
A bombardment of happy tears, sad tears, fearful tears, Oh my gosh- I don't have enough money tears! And in the policy of complete transparency to anyone who may read this:  you look at your little girl, and you can't help but be afraid....a little...okay, actually a lot of fear because of your own experiences....with all the what ifs- and "you knows" of life and reality of the tweaking of dynamics that take place because of marriage.

So, Sam (Rebekah's now fiancé) came and spoke to me at work. I cried the whole time- for all of the reasons above and then some. You see, we had just had Gabe's engagement party the night before. Not more than 12 hours before I was standing with Cate's parents and Gabe's dad and prayers were being offered over the young couple....and I held it together, because I had time to process.

What Sam didn't understand is that I am a very slow processor...and the question of an additional proposal so close to the engagement party was just really, really overwhelming. I need breathing space. Like at least six months (???).

So the Double-Whammie-Blammie hit me with a BA-BOOM- right square in the heart- and I didn't react with the pose and tenderness that I know that I feel regarding the proposal. I think they are for each other, and I always knew that we'd all be standing together in front of a church and her saying "I Do's"....but I guess in a mommy heart time kind of stands still. Your eyes see the maturing, aging and moving on of children on the outside but somewhere that reality never settles in your heart- they are a baby....a little tiny girl who just had her tea party birthday party....

There you have it folks. May as well face reality and take it in small doses than to ignore it and have it all slam you at once. Take it from me, the queen of denial.

I

Give Away

There's a giveaway over at INDIGO EARTH & WILDHEART:  http://indigoearth-indigoearth.blogspot.com/2014/12/home-for-holidays-give-away-from.html?showComment=1419993050632#c4589718364975178876


Good luck! :)

Overwhelming Gratitude

I hate to be melodramatic....ah, who am I kidding? I'm a melodramatic sensationalist at heart! At any rate....you all know that I'm far from one who goes around publicizing struggles, negativity or drama. I have a great poker face, and sometimes too good of one, because I even fool myself. Take the past year for instance: my job situation was bad. I had a burning lump of anxiety in my stomach all year....I lived each day to get to the next weekend- and I crashed. I was exhausted and spent the weekend "living" and "doing"  and then, around 4 PM on Sunday afternoon the reality of having to go back to the office on Monday morning started the burning sensation in my stomach all over again. I couldn't sleep at night and in the mornings I couldn't wake up.
Towards the end of my time there.....being M I S E R A B L E would have been a luxury. I was beyond miserable. SOMETHING had to give.

I began seriously praying in July- thinking- I can't do this another WEEK. I can't continue. The dynamics of the situation was compounding and my will to take the high road was dwindling.

In August I had a job interview. And then another. They called me back a total of  F I V E times. It was a 30+ minute drive from home, away from the kids school. I would make the same, drive farther and have insurance. And I was desperate.  My letter of resignation sat typed, folded and ready to hand in.
They were calling me on Thursday to make an offer. And I was going to accept it.
No matter W H A T. it was.

I waited.  A L L  D A Y. 

 
I'm not the type of person who sits idly by, patiently waiting.  I don't wait well- not on my kids, not in the drive-thru, not at red lights, not in movie lines, carpool lines, at the doctor office, or the checkout line. And come to find out, not even on God.

And I whine. A lot. I'm an impatient, whiney waiter.

I had done everything I could do- I was at my wits end- at the point that any job offer would have been accepted....but God doesn't do just anything. He does EVERYTHING. He meets all of our needs.

But the next day, the call still hadn't came.

But a call was made. Not the call I had set into motion.....but the call that God  had ordained. The call that instantly raised my heart rate....and stopped that woefully insistent burning in my stomach. The call that I didn't foresee....or even dream of.  The phone call said everything that I needed and wanted. And I knew.  When God ordains- there is no strain to make gears turn, pieces lock in place. It just happens...  and so it did.
(Disclaimer: I'm omitting a huge chunk of soap opera worthy drama here---- The Reader's Digest Condensed Version Cliff Notes are: Words were said. Feelings were hurt. Mean people do and say desperate things in self-preservation. Always take the high road...there's less smog of life in higher elevations! )

 I can't begin to describe the overwhelming gratitude I have for my new employer, the new setting in which I work. The people. The location. The dynamics. The view (I have a window!). The options. The consideration. The welcoming.
My heart gushes with gratitude at people willing to take a risk, willing to try new ideas, willing to be a shelter, willing to be a family.
The New Year is looking clear, stable and full of promise......and I happen to know the One who keeps all of his promises. <3 br="">Shine All Your Light,

Cass