Galavanting The North Carolina Country Side

Barn Quilt in Randolph County, North Carolina. One weekend we took a driving tour of the Barn Quilts in Randolph County.

Junius Lindsey Vineyards take the Hoity-Toity out of wine tours. They offer open grassy fields for kids to play and romp with the resident dogs, fences to climb and a general airy, "come as you may" atmosphere.  Rocking Chairs, round tables and an open pavilion welcome you at the end of a beautiful, windy road into the property.

Roadside black Eyed Susans held their aging heads up

Less than an hour from home is the famous Childress Vineyards. If it weren't for the humidity, you'd feel as if you were touring a Napa Valley establishment.....

Look, but don't touch.

The Carolina Blue skies over Childress Vineyards

Finding the Light....

For years, I've had struggled with finding a balance between creating a memory and capturing a memory with my children. There are some photos that I look back on and see the annoyance in my children's eyes....the "Are you done yet? We just want to play!" look. All the while I'm adjusting WB's, ISO's and determining which position would best capture the catch light in their eyes.
So many memories were contaminated with different variations of "Wait. DO that again! Stand here, face that, hold your chin up, square up to the lens" commands coming from behind the camera. Or embarrassingly enough, staged moments usually consisting of making kids REDO what they had just done..... trying to capture the sunlight through the trees, the sweet pigtails flying behind their darting bodies....all the movement, light and poignancy of a nice portrait......long after the "real moment" is lost.

These numerous occasions were results of  artistically pleasing my photographic eye at the expense of  disappointedly losing the moment; the true light of excitement is missing from their eyes replaced with repulsion for the annoying, repositioning, ever fidgeting half mother/half photographer turning knobs, and muttering about appertures and leading lines. And none of the photos are really worth a hoot. Because, I am a little repulsed at the memories. The memories I chose to make----rather than capture.

And now. I don't even charge my camera.  I haven't used it in months- evidenced by the fact that I "found" my camera in the trunk of the van last weekend. It still had pictures on it from a March ice storm.  As much as I hate to admit it- I'm a person of extreme degrees. ALL IN or ALL OUT. 

My camera phone has been my go-to-camera for the last two years....and although sometimes there's grainy "noise" in the back ground or fuzzy edges from a kid in motion...with no catch light to be found---the pictures are of a moment. A memory. A captured piece of my heart that I can recall time and time again full of excitement, wtih depth. Developed by a light of the photographer's heart capturing and documenting every moment in full frame, full color and full tilt in life.

Big Tears and Mini-Coffins

I have a friend. His granddaughter was born premature with a lot of medical problems. She wasn't expected to live through the day she was born. She did live. She fought for 15 months. She had numerous surgeries. She never saw her mommy's face- because she was blind; Never heard her daddy's voice tell her stories, because she was deaf. Never ate dirt or learned to walk...never blew kisses, or learned to clap and play patty-cake.
IV's and medical cords seemed to be the only thing that tied the little one to this world.
Thursday night, the nurses freed her of the IV's and freed her spirit into eternity.
I feel at a loss. Today is the service, which was postponed because they couldn't bear to say Goodbye to her on Father's Day. This is one of those days where you truly, truly lean on the everlasting arms.....and pray for the peace that passes all understanding. I ask that God bathes the family in Grace and Love.

Sunrise, Sunset

Note: I began this post in June of 2013....been sorta busy experiencing life! :)

This weekend has been all about my little man, Jakey. He's my finale'....you know, the last chance to rock a little one to sleep, buy sippy cups, register for Kindergarten....run behind a wobbly bike without training wheels....all those things that make up the journey of "Mommyhood"....and Jake's childhood is my last golden ticket that allows me to board that exclusive, fast-track train.

  
Mommy's heartbeat and love.

At times, I find myself in an emotional tug-of-war; loving and dreading, in syncopated turn, each cherished moment. I hear the clock ticking; each milestone for Jake is a measured step for me.

With Gabe (my nearly 21 year old son), I grimaced at the sight of frogs and night crawlers. With Jake, I feel the need to sit in the dirt and experience every last little dirty wonder with him. Gabe was nearly force-fed oatmeal for breakfast. Jakey gets Oatmeal cookies.

Jake has awakened something in me that's hard to explain. It took four children to get me to the place where I wasn't on the sidelines cheering- but part of the action.  Maybe, it's the fact that I'm not wrangling four children anymore, carrying diaper bags etc.... Maybe its the reality of the fleetingness of time? Or the cold realization that his "high noon of firsts" are my "setting sun" on mothering a little squirt? There's something very scary about that to me.....and I find myself trying to eke every moment, experience and memory out of every occasion.  Last weekend he lost a tooth. And we discovered he's already into a size 2 shoe. It all happens over night. So fast.  One night their cuddled up with you in your bed watching Toy Story, wearing Buzz Lightyear Pajamas.....and the next night they're grown and living in their own quarters at Ft. Riley.....

Squeeze Them. Hold Them. Love Them. Cherish every cotton-pickin' moment with them.... that's what I've been up to.

2nd Annual Shamrock On!

This year, I spent St. Paddy's Day in Asheville, North Carolina. The weather was sublimely perfect. Asheville knows how to host a St. Patrick's Day!  

This is the first trip to Asheville that I've made that wasn't planned around The Biltmore. As much as I've always enjoyed visiting The Biltmore, I have learned that Asheville has so much more to offer. In fact, I was surprised at how "at home" I felt....it really reminded me of living in Laguna Beach, California.

So, here's my 2nd annual SHAMROCK ON post of all things green.......

A soap store called THE LAUGHING MERMAID had all sorts of handmade, green soaps. 

A store front 

ROCKIN' THE SHAMS!!

It's all GOOD in Asheville.

The town the doesn't sleep.....

A celtic musician at Jack In The Wood Public House....where they take Irish food quite seriously.

My imagination can go wild with WHY or HOW this little alley got this name.

Nothing green here....but I liked the picture.

Mistah Boyscout

This store caught my eye from three blocks away. It even had a basement....and we explored every nook and cranny.

The "Before 9 PM" cracks me up.

Merrily Mediocre

During this time of the year its easy to get into the "hustle & bustle" of merry making and lose ourselves (and each other) in the festivities.

I have learned this lesson the hard way...and looking back, its hard for me to decide if the experience is more sad than funny or more embarrassing than educational?

If you've read my blog for any length of time, you'll recall me stating that I have a hard time with moderation and balance. I can go from Ho-Hum to Gung-Ho overnight. I obsess....or am completely indifferent. Nothing or All. You get the point.
A few years ago, I was sick (fulfilling my annual quota of strep throat). I had all the tree stuff down from the attic and spread from here to kingdom-come. The naked, faux pine tree stood shamefully in the corner baring all its plastic quirks and flaws.

And my daughters had an idea!

Surprise mom with a decorated, lit tree.

A good, healthy mom would of been all "Awww! How sweet! How thoughtful! How blessed am I!?!"

A sick, feverish mom was all, "WELL! Thanks for considering me! I'm sick and in bed and you all decide to decorate without a single picture being taken?? The lights are NOT symmetrical! I NEVER put those ugly bulbs on the tree....WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!? I want you to undecorate the entire tree."

Yes, shamefully, I confess. This is a true story.

(and to add to my shame, according to spell check- 'undecorate' is not even a word, because no mother ever has told her child to undecorate a tree)

I killed the Christmas Spirit. Slaughtered it right there. The kids were so upset. I was so sick. The tree was so "freakishly festive"....and the lights were blotches of uneven sparkles strung haphazardly between branches of plastic boughs that had not been uncrunched from their summer siesta, and had not had their annual perking.

It wasn't my proudest moment.

The next week, I decorated the tree myself. The annual Amy Grant Christmas album was brushed off and played. The candles were lit. The cocoa was hot. The kids were at their dads, and  I was alone. The tree was glorious. The most beautiful one to date! And I cried. I cried for the kids. I cried angry tears at myself. Cried over the stupid plastic tree and the stupid lights that blinked at me in symmetrical perfection.

The shame has hung in the air each year. The kids shy away from decorating the tree, and last year said, "It's okay mom, you decorate and just show us where you want us to put our special ornament."

Sheesh.

So, true to Spazzymommy M.O. I have done an about-face. A complete 180.

Our Leaning Tree :)

We went to the mountains to get a real live tree this year...and I've left the overseeing of the decorating to the girls. There are coffee-filter snowflakes hanging all over the house....mismatched Christmas ribbons adorning the tree and white lights strung in the oddest places. My house is a big, honkin' Christmas Collage of Chaos. The tree is tilted at a 40 degree angle, because we can't get it to stand properly in the tree base. But the kids are proud....and I feel that I need a little pat on the back too, because I'm genuinely enjoying the merry-making. It's not magazine worthy- not even Pinterest worthy...but it's beyond MEMORY worthy!

My heart aches each time I recall the "Undecorated Year"....and there's a funny tingle of guilt each time I see pictures of the gloriously perfect tree from a few Christmases ago....and although we have the crooked, leaning Christmas Tree with totally unsymmetrical lights- I must admit to date- this merrily mediocre Christmas is my favorite so far! :)

I refuse to stress. I refuse to create chaos with my inclination to be an exacto-freak. I refuse to be a slave to self-implemented demands for a "Courier & Ives" holiday.
SO, in light of all of the above- I am inspired to have a Merry Christmas Season in spite of myself! My heart is content in its medicoreness. :)

Have yourself a Merry (mediocre) Little Christmas.....

Shine all your lights, Cass

The Warrior Mommy

Last night after a long, long day of writing, promoting, marketing and countless phone conversations- the kind of conversations where you bounce from one line to the other.....for hours- before hanging up....

After all the dinner dishes are put away, kids are tucked into bed and night lights are softly shining on my little people's faces....that's when I take a deep breathe and remember why I do everything.

I remember the REAL importance of each job, every phone call, every brokered deal, each sale, every negotiation has ONE common denominator...my little people.

In the dim lighting I see little man's shoes spread across the floor. (The ones that cost eight hours of being "clocked in")  A new school uniform hanging in the closet. The tuition bills on the kitchen counter. The Cubscout handbook on the desk. Rebekah's violin in the corner. Sarah's new lesson books on the piano. In my minds eye I see schoolbag left in the van- full of textbooks that I still owe money on. There's fieldtrip permission slips to sign. A fundraiser book to thumb through and buy something. Anything.

In the quiet of the evening, I stand (Barely), exhausted but fulfilled. I am giving my children a life. I can't help but think of myself as a warrior. (allow me that little pleasure of seeing myself as Xena! LOL))
I battle life- taking down obstacles, people or barriers- anything that would stand in the kids way of a good life. I fight to keep things in order. I battle for their well being. Except- nothing is glamorous. Instead of yielding a sword- I hold a pen and sign checks. Instead of a leather corset- I don yoga pants. :)

Jakey's first Cubscout Community Service Project

But, my fort is safe. Lights are burning. Food is plentiful, beds are soft and snuggling with a sleepy seven year old in the warm glow of night lights give me just enough initiative to do it all again tomorrow.



Shine All Your Light in the Sun!

Cass