Discoveries on the Homefront

I'm still in the process of discovering suprises with my new home. Some of the discoveries include: a family of raccoons that  live under the neighbor's barn.  I'm less than a few hundred yards from Main Street so I didn't expect to see much wildlife here in town, but boy was I suprised! There have been deer, a larger than average fox who, like the raccoons, seem to supplement thier winter scavenging at the neighbor's cat bowl. 

Last winter daffodil bulbs pushed up through the front yard presenting a beautiful sea of yellow with intermixed splashes of purple crocus.  It felt like a housewarming gift left by a thoughtful seller. It was a lovely suprise and I couldn't wait to see what spring and summer brought. 

One suprise that still makes me laugh happened on the day of closing on the house. My friend, Sherri discovered a third bathroom in my storage barn out by the pool! I never even opened the barn to look in it prior to going under contract! Ha. 

In two weeks it will be one year since the day I closed on this house. One full year. I'm sitting on my back deck now, looking at the pool, listening to the fountatin on the back deck enjoying the sunsetting through the trees. I'm happy to be home. I'm contenat and I'm so very grateful for what God has graciously and mercifully given. 

A Terrifying Revelation

I highly respect the writings, life and philosophy of CS Lewis. When I heard this quote it cut me a little and convicted me a lot.

My experiences with "LOVE" haven't been very good. In fact, several have commented that my life should be a book or Lifetime movie.

I've known pain and rejection on levels that are reprehensible. Is there ever enough time and healing that the "broken" become "unbroken"? Experiences have left me gun-shy on a level that I didn't realize until I heard this quote a few weeks ago.

Don't get me wrong: I can LOVE. I feel things so deeply. I can give, care, share. I can even forgive.....I have a powerful sense of hope and promise. I can feel. I love so very deeply....

What I can't do is lower my shield, relax my guard or even feign a modicum of vulnerability. I have worked so hard to not ever be naive again that I've lost my ability to experience vulnerability....and according to Mr. Lewis....that translates as losing the ability to be loved. I can love....I just can't allow myself to be loved. That is a terrifying revelation.

An Abundance of Love

I have two babies coming this summer.

Kiddles is having her first baby in June. A baby girl who she's giving a very special family name. Last Thursday morning I went to the ultrasound with Sam and Kiddles.

Baby girl weighs 11 ounces.  Life is such a miracle. It's mind-boggling to see the four chambers of her little heart pulsing and know that it's the size of a dime. 

Gabe and Cate are also having a baby this summer. Baby Griffin is due in July. We don't know the sex yet- but what an exciting summer it's going to be! What an abundance of Love and snuggles and excitement we will have!!

Today Ben-Ben turned two. I Facetimed them tonight and he said,
"Hi Gigi! I'm two! I'm two!" He melts my heart. We read Ayelee and Ben's favorite book, "There's a Monster in Your Book!" and Gabe's childhood favorite book, "Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Mo". Each turn of the page is creating a new memory while bringing back so many old memories. Gabe could recite the book by heart when he was three; I'm pretty sure he still can!

My heart is full and I'm so, so grateful for the abundance of love that's been bestowed upon me and my family.

Seventy-Two Degrees

The weather was beautiful today and this evening. Jacob and I built a fire on the back deck and grilled our hotdogs for dinner. 

The sky was clear, the moon had a beautiful ring of light around it. The raccoon from our woods ventured out to our driveway snooping around the neighbors back porch. The moon was bright enough that it reflected in the raccoons eyes, making him easy to track through the darkness.

Today's weather was perfect....but it was the conversation and easy pace of our evening that made it a warm night to be around the firepit. <3 br="" nbsp="">

Placidity in Motion

** I wrote this post almost 2 years ago but never posted it, I'm posting it now for personal record keeping.**

For the last four years I've been in constant motion- my brain has not rested- all my resources, energy and heart has been put into establishing, growing and marketing a rental division for work. Even in my "down time" my brain was planning, anxiously running numbers in my head, mentally tying up loose-ends left on my desk over the weekend or simply re-hashing decisions that were made the prior day to make sure I had made the best choices. I exhausted all my internal resources; the emotional and mental bankruptcy took it's toll on my creativity, motivation and spiritual wellbeing. It's no one's fault, this isn't a "poor me" post- it's more of a "this is what's going on and why" type of post.

I lost contact with people very, very important to me; including myself. My real self- not the one crawling on all fours trying to forge a path for survival. When I finally broke down to the point of complete exhaustion my doctor held both of my hands and said, "STOP. STOP. STOP. Literally, Casandra, listen to me....I'm not asking you to slow down. I'm not asking you to take a chill pill. I'm telling you to STOP."

It was a chilling moment. A moment of her holding me in place, locking eyes with me. She wasn't pleading. She wasn't advising. She was commanding. And it scared me.

She advised me to resign from my job within a month. The thing I was molding, building and nursing for four years to sustain my livlihood was killing me? She was very dogmatic.

Obviously, I didn't quit my job. But I did resign some of the self-inflicted anxiety and quit shouldering some of the worries that wasn't my place to shoulder; I am drawn towards and adopt responsibilities like little girls are drawn to cute puppies.

In the midst of getting better, having infusions and learning to quelch the voices of anxiety I was reclaiming lost territory within myself. I re-read books that had shaped me spiritually. I dug out an old sermon tape that I used to listen to for spiritual refilling. I found the things that encourage and inspire me and dusted them off, polished them up and started doing them again.

I STOPPED. I really did. And things changed. My perspective changed. The anxiety that hovered over me like a fog started to clear and I felt different. I felt more like myself.

It takes a little time sometimes
To get your feet back on the ground
It takes a little time sometimes
To get the Titanic turned back around
It takes a little time sometimes
But baby, you're not goin' down
It takes more than you got right now
Give it, give it time
Two years have passed since my doctor said that to me. It's taken a full two years to come to grips with priorities and learning to let go and adapt as priorities can change from one day to the next. It's really, really hard to let go; sometimes, harder than it is to hold on.

Febreezing The Blog

I'm going to be much more intentional about blogging/journaling this year; even if it's only once a month. I will be making a concerted effort to fluff and "febreeze" the blog over the next few weeks with new layout, graphics and updated profile information to freshen it up.

I'm excited to begin writing again and hopefully, with the blogging comes picking up my camera and making time to tell stories through photography.